


Heartbeat

by DarkUniverse



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Hurt Eren, M/M, Major Character Injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2014-09-24
Packaged: 2018-02-17 13:06:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2310671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkUniverse/pseuds/DarkUniverse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I don’t want the pain.</p>
<p>I don’t want them to hurt me anymore.</p>
<p>I don’t want to suffer.</p>
<p>Please, please just let me go.</p>
<p>“I want to die!”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure where this came from, but I was pleasantly surprised. This is my first ever SNK story and I have to admit I'm happy with how it looks (which is never the case with me). :D Enjoy the angst and lemme know what you think :D

Betrayal. Cold, sharp-edged, stabbing betrayal. It shot through him like an electric current, coming in waves of increasing intensity, burning him physically, _destroying_ mentally. His wounds were healing slowly…too slow to scare off the darkness creeping into his heart, threatening his very sanity. _They_ did this to him. It was _their_ fault. The blisters on his skin, the jagged, still bleeding, cuts on his back and the dark hand-shaped bruises wounding around his throat were all reminders of his falsely placed trust. They pretended to be on his side, they lied that they would support him, protect him from those who would do him harm and then _they_ **_hurt_** him. They inflicted pain upon him until his titan powers couldn’t keep up with the injuries, couldn’t heal in time for a new wave of raw pain equally as scorching, equally as agonizing as every previous one. They broke the trust he had placed in them and now he was dying.

Because that was it. He could feel his powers failing, could feel the agony growing. He knew it was the end. They betrayed him, they tortured him, they _broke_ him…and they killed him. He thought he’d give his life to save humanity, but really all he did was suffer for the sick pleasure of a few individuals.

He realized he couldn’t escape them no matter how far or how quickly he ran, so he stopped trying. He collapsed somewhere in the forest outside the walls – the farthest he could get from his prison, his tormentors, before his legs gave in and he crashed to the cold ground. The dampness of the dirt beneath him did nothing to cool his aching muscles. The heavy air around him only made breathing harder, made his lungs tighten uncomfortably. A grim smile stretched his chapped lips. Even if they couldn’t capture him physically, their chains would always be wrapped around his limbs, the blood around his wrists and ankles would never truly wash away, just like his heart would never truly be whole again.

The hardest bit wasn’t that his so called friends turned on him, did everything to him they had _promised_ they never would…the part that stung the most was that **_he_** was in on it.

_“Levi…”_

His name left a bitterness in his throat; it was now like acid in his mouth. He had trusted him with his life, had trusted him with his heart. He had loved him… _Heh, I still do. Even after everything, I still love him._

“Eren!”

White hot panic shot through him so suddenly it stole his breath, leaving him gasping dryly like a fish out of water. That voice…

“Where are you? EREN!?”

No. No, no, NO! Couldn’t they at least let him die peacefully? Did they have to take everything away from him, even this last bit of calm as Death took him? Did he not suffer enough already? He wished he could run, escape their clutches for just a while longer, but he knew it was impossible. His body was paralyzed. He couldn’t move an inch. He could only lie there silently, grass scratching his scarred cheek, his ragged clothes providing minimal protection against the cold of the night.

A short figure stepped into his line of sight, a gasp leaving them when he was spotted. His chest tightened in anticipation. A lone tear escaped his good eye, sliding over his nose and hitting the grass beneath him.

“Eren!” Levi shouted, his voice strangely broken up. The raven-haired man dropped by his side, his grey eyes wide as he took in the sight before him. His hands hovered over Eren’s bleeding form as if he was afraid the lightest touch would break him. It was ironic because Eren was already shattered to pieces and Levi was the one who had done the breaking.

“What…” A loud swallow, then, “What happened to you?”

A puff of air escaped Eren’s slightly parted lips. This must be another game, another ploy his tormentors thought up to prolong his miserable existence. They must have realized his feelings for the Captain and were now attempting to use them against him. He reckoned they were counting on getting their toy back like this. Levi would come and help him, restore his trust in him, heal him, be the savior Eren so desperately needs, only to back-stab him again, annihilating the last bits of his sanity and killing him in the process. The corner of his dry lips pulled up slightly as he smirked. But didn’t they know he was already destroyed beyond repair? There could be no healing when he was already dead.

“Eren?” His name was a whisper. Levi had never looked so sad before. Eren hadn’t realized what a good actor the man was. “How…” He didn’t finish, merely sat at the boy’s side, his arms still frozen in the air, an inch above his battered form. Then, after a long moment of silence, Levi moved. He carefully placed his hands on the brunette’s shoulder and hip, slowly turning him over so that his back was pressed to the ground. Sheer horror assaulted him when he took a good look at the titan-shifter.

His clothes, or what was left of them, barely covered all the red patches of bloody skin. Deep cuts and blisters littered his body; they covered his skin almost completely. There were red irritated rings on his wrists and ankles, along with tell-tale signs of older scars, indicating he’d been chained for a long time. Levi’s gaze travelled over the boy’s body slowly until it reached his face and all the air left his lungs. Eren’s face was cut up so much he was barely recognizable and his right eye was all but gone; an almost empty socket staring at him. He recovered from the shock only because he saw the pain etched into the boy’s face, radiating strongly from his remaining eye.

 _Why isn’t he healing?_ The thought wouldn’t leave his troubled mind. “Eren,” Levi began but stopped himself. It wasn’t the right time for all his questions. First, the boy needed immediate medical attention. “I’m going to lift you up. We need to get you proper help.” The boy’s reaction was instantaneous and it caused Levi’s worry to spike far more than his wounds had.

“No,” Eren croaked, his left eye wide in sheer panic, uncontrollable tears rolling out of it. Levi didn’t think the boy even noticed. “Please,” he whispered brokenly, “No. Just-” A light cough, dry and scratchy, “Let me die here. I…don’t want any more pain.” Levi’s heart clenched, his stomach turning from the implications. “Please, p-please…No…”

“I…” Levi didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what the boy was talking about, though he could wager a guess. Ever since it got out that he could transform into a titan, people have been…curious about him. Some more than others. He wasn’t a fool. He knew what the world they lived in was like, he’d dealt with evil before. It wasn’t hard to realize some such evil had managed to get a hold of the boy – his mutilated body was a clear giveaway. He pushed those thoughts aside for the time being, focusing instead on the brunette before him.

“Eren,” he spoke softly, hoping to calm him down as much as possible, “No one is going to hurt you. I just need to take you to a doctor. We’re not far from the gates and there are no titans in sight, so it should all go smoothly. But we need to move now or-”

Eren let out a heart-wrenching sob that shook his whole body. “N-no,” he said so quietly Levi almost missed it. He could feel the boy trembling beneath his hands.

“You’re going to be fine, Eren,” Levi assured him, not sure what to do. If the boy started panicking, more than he already was, Levi really didn’t know how he’d deal with it. He’d never been very good at comforting people, but when it came to dealing with a person so obviously traumatized he was at a complete loss. A familiar sound reached his ears and Levi perked up. Hooves. Back-up was coming. Good.

Eren must have heard it too, because his left eye suddenly grew so wide it looked painful and unnatural. Levi recognized terror in those green eyes. “No…no, no, no,” Eren started muttering, his trembling intensifying. “P-Please, don’t…I can’t…Can’t you just…let me die?”

There he was talking about death again. It made Levi angry. “You’re not dying,” he told him sternly, wanting the boy to know how serious he was about saving him. It was the wrong thing to say apparently.

Adrenaline surged through him at those words. He knew it. He knew they wouldn’t let him get away so easily. They had more in store for him, after all. More fire, more ice, more chains, more knives, more more more. He wouldn’t let them.

With renewed vigor, Eren sprang to his feet not so much quickly as unexpectedly, catching Levi off guard. It was enough momentum for him to start staggering away, clutching his abdomen against the searing pain.

“Oi!” He heard the Captain’s shout behind him and he knew this was his last chance. His legs, his feet, his arms, his _body_ hurt, but he had to get away. He had to escape at least for long enough for his heart to finally give in and for eternal darkness to take him.

“Eren, where are you going?” Levi was on his heels, he could hear it, could feel the imminent danger approaching. He could barely see where he was going, whether because of the dark, or the tears that blurred his sight, or the blindness of his right eye, he didn’t know…he just knew he couldn’t stop. The sounds of horses galloping towards him grew louder, pushing his legs to work faster. His lungs were screaming at him, his heart was beating frantically, but not quickly enough. It was reaching its limit.

_I don’t want the pain._

_I don’t want them to hurt me anymore._

_I don’t want to suffer._

_Please,_ _please just let me go._

_“I want to die!”_

His foot caught on a root, his ankle twisted and he lurched forward. He didn’t even feel the sting of this new pain, or the force of the impact when he hit the ground. He winced when all the air was forced out of his lungs, closing his eye. He lay there breathlessly, heartbeat echoing in his ears loudly, drowning in his agony slowly. He felt hands on him and his panic skyrocketed. Voices assaulted him from all sides, merging with the stuttering pounding of his heart.

His chest clenched, but it was different than ever before. There was a sharp stab directly in his heart that wouldn’t go away. The pain grew and grew until it was all he knew. Sharp, burning, searing… Images flashed in his mind, those of mocking smiles, menacing laughter, evil eyes which promised more agony. Knives and ropes and chains and fire. Pain. There was a face, one he knew very well, loved with all his heart until it was ripped out of him. Steel grey eyes were narrowed in hate, disgust marring his beautiful features, transforming them into something ugly, everything his nightmares had ever created. Pain pain pain. For a brief moment there was an image of his mother and father, Mikasa and Armin, a memory of happier times, long since forgotten, stolen, wrenched from him. _Pain_.

And then there was nothing. Blissful numbness. There were no images, no sounds, no pain, nothing. …And he smiled, feeling lighter than ever before. _This_ was his end.


	2. Reason to Live

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to say: I don't own SNK...at all...unfortunately. Not repeating this because I think it's rather pointless.  
> Also, I don't like this as much as the first, but I hope it's good enough. :) Enjoy~! :D

“We don’t know if he’ll ever wake up.”

That’s what they said. They didn’t even bother to comfort him, sugarcoat it, soften the blow. Because he was Levi, the leader of the Special Operations Squad, he was supposed to be invincible, detached, unfeeling. Except he wasn’t. He had a heart like everyone else and he was vulnerable like everyone else. His feelings for Eren made him all the more fragile and breakable. So when the doctors told him Eren was in a coma, the sound of his heart cracking and shattering was unbearably loud in his ears. His face, of course, betrayed nothing. His mask was in place, like always. He didn’t let any tears escape, didn’t sob or shout or scream like he wanted to. He merely nodded in acknowledgement and left. He thought of going outside, maybe even taking his gear and going off to search for titans to kill. Instead, his feet carried him to the one place he couldn’t remain impassive.

Eren was still as a stone as he lay on the white bed, but for the agonizingly slow rise and fall of his chest. At least he was breathing. Levi could still remember the blind panic that had consumed him when he’d seen the boy stop breathing. If it hadn’t been for the others, he didn’t know what he would have done.

_“Please let me die.”_

Those words stabbed at him even now. He hadn’t quite understood the boy at first and later he had hoped he’d just been hearing things. When Eren had so blindly tried to run away from them, his comrades, his friends, Levi had been utterly lost. His blood had frozen when he’d heard Eren shout, “I want to die!” The agony he’d felt at that moment was unlike anything he had ever experienced. Perhaps that was because he’d never loved anyone as much as he loved Eren. He wasn’t even sure when it had happened, didn’t even know _how_ , only that his heart beat solely for the titan-shifter.

That’s why he now stood crying beside the boy, his usual façade in ruins. He watched the boy’s mutilated body, counting every single scar and committing them all to memory so that when he found those responsible he could exact his revenge accordingly. Erwin had filled him in after Eren was brought back to life (barely). Apparently, he had been held in some underground, supposedly ‘secret non-government’ research facility within Wall Sina. Of course, Levi knew there was nothing secret or non-government about the torture Eren had gone through. When Erwin had informed him of their findings, which didn’t include the ‘scientists’ themselves – the bastards must have scattered when they realized their ‘experiment’ got away, Levi had been ready to rip the town apart until those despicable men were completely at his mercy, or lack thereof. He’d already planned everything down to the smallest detail… Unfortunately, his Commander had forbidden it, ordered him to leave all his gear in his office and go ‘deal with his emotions in a peaceful and non-society-threatening manner’. Asshole.

Levi sighed, forcing himself to stop crying. When he realized that wouldn’t happen as the torrent of tears kept coming relentlessly, he gave up. There was no one there to see him anyway. He fell against the wall behind him and slid down, until his knees were tucked to his chest and his head was resting in his hands. There was nothing he could do now but hope. Hope that Eren would wake up, hope that he wouldn’t hate him when (if) he did, hope that the boy would recover from the trauma and that he wouldn’t run away from him again. He had to hope that it wasn’t too late to tell him he loved him.

0.0.0.0.0

Three weeks later there were still no signs of Eren waking up. His consciousness was still locked deep within the confines of his mind, as one of the doctors had put so poetically. Levi was finding it harder and harder to function.

Eren’s friends were told he had died that night in the woods. Levi had felt bad at first knowing he would be angry had someone lied to him like that, until he realized it was for the best. He didn’t want anyone to suffer the way that he was, wandering day by day if he’d ever see Eren’s smile again, if he’d ever head his carefree laugh. The boy’s friends were given the opportunity to move on in case Eren never wakes up again. And should he recover, Mikasa and Armin certainly couldn’t be mad for long.

Everyone else had long since given up on the boy, not because they didn’t care about him, but because they accepted his wish. They were ready to let him go, let him be at peace like he’d wanted to. Erwin hadn’t left Levi alone until he’d told him everything that had transpired in those woods in excruciating detail. And while everyone else had all but moved on, Levi wouldn’t and couldn’t let go. Eren was so young, had been so full of life…He had so much to live for. Also, Levi needed him as badly as his lungs needed air. Sitting at his bedside for so long, staring at his still form, was slowly killing him, he was sure. He’d never felt so utterly lost in all his life. He’d gone through terrible things as a child, he had nightmares about his youth to this day, yet Eren’s condition was his apparent downfall.

There was but one reason Levi still had some hope, no matter how tiny. The boy’s wounds had started healing several days after the incident, albeit painstakingly slowly (but surely). The smallest cuts had already healed and Levi could now see his skin regenerating around all the deeper gashes. It made him feel slightly lighter and kept his many nightmares at bay.

“Levi.” The deep voice of his Commander startled him out of his thoughts, an almost impossible accomplishment (had the situation been any different), and he slowly raised his blank gaze to the taller man. “How long have you been here?”

Levi frowned. He wasn’t entirely certain. It could have been a few hours or… Well, he didn’t remember eating breakfast, or dinner for that matter.

“Hange has told me you’ve been in here for the past three days.”

That was a bit more than he remembered…He must have gone out at least once or twice to eat…right?

“Why ask if you already know?” He felt the need to shoot back. He had never enjoyed arguing, but now he felt the need to lash out. Perhaps Erwin wasn’t the best target, but he didn’t care. His anger and frustration needed an outlet desperately and there was no one else around.

“So that you realize yourself how ridiculous you’re acting.”

That statement stung him more than he would ever admit, for too many reasons to count. “Am I?” He hissed, anger spiking. “Is my behavior so unusual to you? Am I not allowed to be worried?”

“Levi, this goes beyond worry,” Erwin told him seriously, frowning at the shorter man. Levi had always been rather feisty, but most of his volatile behavior had receded over the years Erwin had known him.

The raven snorted. “Naturally,” he retorted. “Eren isn’t just anyone.”

Erwin’s eyebrow rose. “Still, you should take care of yourself first. You haven’t been eating properly and I doubt you’ve been sleeping much either judging by those bags under your eyes…” Levi merely glared at him, his hands balled into fists. “Eren has made his choice and he chose to die. Even if his body heals, his mind most probably won’t. You need to accept that he might never wake up.”

“I can’t!” Levi’s fist slammed against the wall behind him, angry tears spilling down his cheeks, his teeth grinding. “I can’t do that, Erwin. He…” His gray eyes shifted to the brunette reflecting deep sadness. “I haven’t told him yet.”

“Haven’t…?” Realization hit him like a ton of bricks and suddenly it all made sense. “Levi, are you saying-”

“I love him.” His voice was so soft Erwin thought he misheard him for a moment. Levi’s gentle eyes, focused only on Eren, were enough of a confirmation.

He didn’t know what to say. There wasn’t really anything he could tell the raven anyway. There were no words of comfort that would make him feel better. So Erwin did the only thing he knew that might. He enveloped the shorter man in a tight hug, feeling him tense up momentarily, before letting go and falling into him. The blonde could almost see the energy drain right out of his friend, leaving him empty but still hurting.

“I know I can’t help,” the Commander spoke slowly, “none of us can. Unless Eren chooses to live, there’s nothing we can do. But Levi,” he paused, fixing the man in his arms with an earnest look, “you need to take care of yourself. Even if Eren dies, you have to live. He wouldn’t want you to follow him, would he?”

Levi’s eyes were closed, but Erwin knew he heard him. His tears stopped and a slight smile formed on his lips. Perhaps the blonde asshole was right. He couldn’t die before Eren woke up. Maybe by being alive he could coax the boy to live, too. After all, all was not lost as long as Eren still drew breath.

0.0.0.0.0

He knew he wasn’t dead because he was aware of the darkness. Although, that could just be his version of Hell, the fate he was dealt. He wouldn’t be surprised, really. However, there were certain signs that made him doubt that theory.

First there was the black void with a presence. He couldn’t say for sure what it was, but it wasn’t how he’d imagined infinity to be. It wasn’t oppressing or heavy or anything like that; it was simply there, it existed. And from what he knew, everything with an existence must be alive, right?

Then there were the random flashes – of what, he didn’t know. They would make themselves known from time to time. Whether he felt them, or saw them, or perhaps smelled them was a mystery to him (just another in a long line of them it seemed). They were simply too abstract to make much sense.

Ah, there was also the issue of time itself. It didn’t pass as he was used to, there was no clock that told him how much of it had gone by, but he could tell it was flowing. He assumed his measure was boredom as there was nothing much to do in this dark void he was trapped in. He imagined the ticking, the slow countdown to something he had no knowledge of and it scared him. Why? Because if he wasn’t dead and he wasn’t alive (this non-existing existence was rather confusing), then what? Was he stuck in some kind of limbo forever? In this weird space that had no clear boundaries, no meaning?

The last and final anomaly that made him doubt he’d ever died at all was the _voice_. It wasn’t always clear and it wasn’t always there, but when he’d hear it, it would repeat the same things over and over again. Sometimes using different words, sometimes saying more, other times less, but the voice always conveyed the same message.

_“I love you.”_

That sentence was said so many times Eren was sure it was some sort of broken recording. He didn’t recognize the speaker, for he had no recollection of anything past the abyss he was in, but he didn’t wish it away. The voice was soft and gentle, warm and comforting, but above all, it was deeply earnest – it was truthful. That’s why he clung to it so. It was the one thing he knew was real, his anchor to what he thought was reality, to the world beyond his own mind, beyond this infinite prison. It made him feel safe and happy. And with each passing moment, the longer it spoke those words to him, Eren felt the abyss changing, shifting, transforming.

It was unnoticeable at first. Those strange ‘flashes’ were more frequent, but still unidentifiable. Then he realized they were images – random, not always quite clear, mostly hazy, but images he found familiar none the less. There were colors, faces, objects and places he knew he’d seen. After a while he started remembering. He could recognize the colors and connect them to nameless objects. Places were soon associated with events, some happy, some sad, some terrifying. Finally, the faces received names. People he’d known, people he’d loved, people he’d lost. In all that chaos Eren was struggling to stay afloat. This onslaught was threatening to drown him, overwhelm him entirely. Why was he remembering? _What_ was he remembering? His life, he knew that. All the images were his memories. But wasn’t he supposed to be dead? He thought he _had_ died. Hadn’t he…wanted to?

“I love you.”

There was that voice again. That sweet, gentle, warm voice which had instigated all the chaos. The name hit him suddenly, but it wasn’t until his mind connected it with a face that something happened. He heard a _thud_ , then another, and another… Rhythmic beating…his heart. Life. He was alive after all. With that knowledge, however, came the whirlwind of emotions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do hope Levi's not too OOC... Eren's supposed to be (or so I keep telling myself), but Levi was my main concern. I know he's not himself, but I'd like to use the excuse of 'love' for that. :D


	3. What The Future Holds

Something woke him up and he blinked slowly, straightening up from his awkward position, his muscles protesting as he stretched them. He’d fallen asleep in the damn chair again. Willing the drowsiness away, he tried to identify what it was that interrupted his dreamless sleep. Maybe Hange had decided to bother him again, or Erwin had come back to convince him he was needed on the field. Hadn’t he already told them to leave him be? Was he not allowed any rest? He wasn’t a super-soldier who lived for the battle, who breathed the fight. He needed a break, too.

Once his vision was somewhat clear, he looked around the room. It was still dark, illuminated just barely by the moonlight that shone through a single window. Everything was exactly as it had been before he’d fallen asleep. Nothing seemed out of-

A partly shadowed figure caught his eye and he recoiled, his heart beating frantically in his chest from shock. “Eren?!”

The boy was sitting up in his bed, staring at him with wide eyes, now fully recovered thanks to his titan healing powers. They shone with something Levi was very familiar with, something he could always recognize when it came to the brunette. Fear. Like the night in the forest, like the night he had died of a heart attack. Eren had been terrified then, scared out of his mind. Why? Levi didn’t know, but he had spent every waking hour thinking about it. There were many possibilities, but each scenario his mind would make up seemed less likely than the previous.

There were still too many unanswered questions, too many dead-ends and false leads. He couldn’t form a clear picture yet, though he had his doubts. He knew Erwin was working on filling those blanks diligently, but he was impatient. Too bad he wasn’t allowed anywhere near that case. The stench of Eren’s blood, his screams, his pleads for death and peace were still too fresh in his mind. The image of the boy dying in his arms, body littered with wounds, barely a spot clear of blood on him was an image he would never forget. It would haunt him forever.

The Raven shifted carefully in his seat, hoping he wouldn’t startle the boy. Emerald green orbs followed his movements warily, as if expecting something. What…Levi was afraid to know.

“Are you-?” He paused, realizing he was about to ask an immensely stupid question. Of course the boy wasn’t ‘alright’. Instead, he settled on, “How do you feel?”

Nothing. There was no response from the boy. Levi observed him cautiously, dreading the way he was beginning to shake. He didn’t want a repeat of the incident in the forest. He’d almost lost him once, he wasn’t about to risk it again. Eren had started panicking which resulted in hyperventilation, in turn causing stress on his heart and a heart attack. Levi had a very small window of opportunity to make everything right again before Eren starts panicking and trying to run away…or worse. He had one shot at this and he’d be damned if he didn’t take it.

“Please listen to me,” he spoke as softly as his throat would allow. He wasn’t used to being the person who comforted, who paid attention to another’s feelings. Now, however, he truly hoped his feelings would for once reach his voice, because this wasn’t just anyone’s life at stake. “I know you’re scared and disoriented and confused, but I can explain it all.” He paused, waiting for some kind of acknowledgement but there was nothing. Eren looked like a frightened animal with no way of escape. The Captain just prayed his words would reach him.

“You were captured a couple of months ago while we were out on a surveillance mission. They took you right under our noses.” He stopped himself just in time, exhaling harshly as he tried to control the rage that suddenly exploded in him at the memories. He hadn’t been able to exact his revenge on those responsible yet and all the anger he was keeping bottled up was eating at him slowly. Now wasn’t the time to lose his composure, though.

“I don’t know for sure who they are, but they held you captive for all this time. It’s amazing that you managed to escape them. Our guards saw you when you slipped through the gates and that’s how we found you.” He noticed Eren’s eyebrows furrowing and his fingers trembling in his lap. Time was running out.

“I followed you into the forest as soon as I received the reports,” he continued unwillingly. He didn’t want to burden the boy with this from the moment he opened his eyes, but he didn’t know if he’d ever get another opportunity to...what? Remind him of all the horrors he’d been through? Make him have another panic attack? Give him some more mental trauma? Levi just wasn’t sure anymore. Eren’s sanity hung by a thread, he could see that very clearly in the boy’s eyes. He was already so fragile…what if Levi broke him completely? Then again, he couldn’t help him get through it all without talking with him, could he? And then there was the issue of his feelings. On one hand, he could make everything far worse, but on the other he might actually help.

He couldn’t decide. Levi hated these situations more than stupid, thoughtless or evil people. If he said one wrong thing everything could go to Hell. Taking in Eren’s trembling, his shifting eyes, the way he played with his fingers anxiously, Levi sighed. He had to try.

“I ran after you because I was afraid of losing you again. But when I saw you lying there…bleeding and in so much pain…” He glanced away from the boy as the memories from that night flashed before his eyes. Red everywhere. “Eren, you died in those woods. We were lucky that Erwin sent doctors our way, otherwise you wouldn’t be here now.”

He observed Eren intently, waiting for his words to sink in. The boy was silent for a long moment, his eyes unfocused and staring right through Levi. The Raven let him sort through everything himself for lack of anything else to do. He supposed he needed some time.

Levi’s own thoughts shifted, took a firm hold of him and pulled him away from that room, from Eren. He had been so relieved when he was informed the titan shifter was spotted that he hadn’t wasted a second to go after him. He hadn’t bothered ordering anyone to come with him because he knew they would have only slowed him down. And he had found him, hopeful and happy after months of desperation, longing and grief, only to hold his love in his arms as he died. Eren’s body had grown rigid when the attack hit him, his hands shaking ever so slightly as his heart was failing. If those doctors hadn’t arrived then… Levi would never be able to thank Erwin enough for thinking of the worst case scenario.

“Why?” Levi jolted out of his daze at the quiet croak. Something akin to disappointment colored Eren’s voice when he uttered that one word.

“What?”

“I begged you to let me die,” Eren said, his voice scratchy and low. “Why didn’t you? Have you not tortured me enough?”

Levi’s eyes widened, his heartbeat quickening slightly. “Eren, what are you talking about?”

“I know this is all a game to you. I know what you’re trying to do, but it won’t work.” Levi honestly didn’t know how to react to those words. He didn’t understand him at all. Eren’s green eyes were watering, his eyes finally focusing on the older man. “I can’t trust you again after what you did to me.”

“Eren…I really don’t…” He paused, feeling his chest clench painfully. The boy had been gruesomely tortured for months and the trauma he had suffered had affected him greatly, that much was apparent. It was entirely possible his mind had fabricated scenarios in order to deal with it all. Or, perhaps his tormentors had fed him lies, made him believe something terrible that would eventually push him over the edge. Levi wouldn’t put it past those bastards from the Capital to do something like that. After all, they’d had it in for the Survey Corpse for years. _Is that it?_

“Eren,” Levi tried again, starting to grasp the situation with dread. “Are you…Do you think I hurt you?”

His green eyes narrowed into hateful slits. “You _did_. You and the others. My _comrades_ ,” he hissed the word acidly. “You promised me you’d protect me from those who wanted me harm and in the end you were the ones who tortured me.”

Levi was downright appalled. He couldn’t even fathom the horrors Eren must have gone through to believe any of them would ever do something like that to him. His mouth hung open from the shock he couldn’t seem to overcome. “We wouldn’t… _I_ would never hurt you, Eren. You have to believe that.”

“But you _did_!”

Desperation started seeping in, wrapping its cold claws around him. “No-”

“You cut me up and poured acid down my throat! You choked me with barbed wire! You burned me and electrified me until I couldn’t even heal anymore! You, you, you! _You did this to me!_ ” His voice broke at the end, hot tears finally spilling over his cheeks. Heart-wrenching sobs shook his thin frame and he wrapped his arms around himself as tightly as he could.

“Eren…” Levi’s throat was so tight the brunette’s name came out a pained whisper. He tried to swallow the lump that formed there, but it wouldn’t go away. He tried blinking away the blurriness obscuring his vision, but the tears wouldn’t stop. Trying hopelessly to get through to the boy, he tried again, “Please believe that I didn’t do that to you.” He willed the boy to see the truth in his eyes. “They made you think it was me, us, who tortured you, but I _promise_ you it wasn’t. We were searching for you all that time. We hadn’t given up even when-”

Eren started shaking his head frantically in denial. “I know what you’re trying to do.” Confusion mixed with hurt, making Levi’s stomach turn, just like that dreadful night. He couldn’t remember the last time someone’s words had stung him so badly. “You’re trying to get me to trust you once more so that you can break me all over again.”

Levi shook his head. “No, that’s not it. I’m telling you the truth. I wouldn’t ever harm you like that.”

“You already did!”

“That wasn’t me,” Levi pushed, dead set on convincing the boy his ‘memories’ weren’t real.

“Then who? Your clone? Doppelganger? He looked just like you! All of you, I know…I know it was you…” He started rocking back and forth on the bed, his eyes squeezed shut, shaking his head relentlessly.

“Eren,” Levi said slowly, fighting against the panic that was starting to grip his heart. “It wasn’t us. We wouldn’t hurt you. And I- I would never… I couldn’t ever torture you because…” He trailed off, realizing what he was about to say. He pursed his lips and looked away. This wasn’t how he had imagined telling him. He had hoped his actions would speak for themselves since he’d never been good at talking about his feelings. He didn’t want those important words to be used like this. _But do I really have a choice?_

When he looked back at Eren, the boy was staring at him with wide innocent eyes, uncertainty shinning in them brightly, along with fear. Was he afraid Levi was telling the truth? Scared that he was lying to him? Maybe both? Levi was so confused. His thoughts were quickly spinning out of control. All the loneliness, all the pain, all the bad things he’d lived through, they were nothing compared to the desperation he was feeling now. He had wanted to tell Eren how he felt towards him for all the selfish reasons. He had wanted some happiness for himself, thought he deserved it for all the shit he’d endured. Now, however…

“I love you, Eren.” There was nothing left for him to do. This was his last chance. Levi needed the boy to know how much he meant to him, not for his own sake, but because Eren didn’t deserve what was done to him. If he could just let him know he was Levi’s heart, maybe it would save him, maybe it would chase away his demons. If no one had offered Levi a hand back when darkness was his only friend, when he was slowly being suffocated by the cruelty of the world, when he thought his existence was meaningless, his life would have ended tragically.

“When I followed you into those woods, I was scared of what I might find. And when I saw you there…my heart broke. I’ve never been more afraid in my life.” Levi slowly stood up, trying to ignore how Eren flinched and pressed himself against the wall behind him, probably expecting the man to hurt him. Levi pushed all his insecurities and worries away and approached him, dropping down to his knees besides the boy.

“When you died, I wanted to die, too,” he admitted earnestly, both to Eren and to himself. He ignored the salty liquid sliding down his cheeks and the pressure in his chest and continued, “I didn’t want to live in this awful world without you. I couldn’t. Not when you had made it so much better since you came into my life.” A soft chuckle escaped his lips. “Do you know that your smile has chased away my nightmares? It’s ridiculous really, because they’ve haunted me for as long as I can remember. Your laugh is all I need to think about now to chase away the darkness.”

Levi watched with renowned hope as Eren’s green eyes gradually softened. “I love you, Eren, I do. I honestly thought I wasn’t even capable of feeling this way, but I’m happy that you proved me wrong.” He smiled to himself and stretched out his hand tentatively, placing it on Eren’s knee ever so lightly. “And I’m thankful to you for making me feel the way I do.”

Eren stared at the man’s hand for an excruciating moment before touching it gently with his fingertips. Levi’s heart fluttered. “Please, please believe me,” he said after a while, “that I would never intentionally hurt you. I just care too much about you.”

“Then,” Green orbs shifted from Levi’s greys to their hands, “that wasn’t you?” Levi shook his head, unable to say anything as his throat closed up. “You weren’t there?” Another shake. “You…in the forest…” The man’s eyebrows shot up hopefully. “You saved me?”

“I tried to,” the Raven admitted regretfully, his eyes dropping to the floor. “I’m sorry I didn’t stop them, I’m sorry I didn’t save you in time, I’m sorry I was so late…”

 _Truth. He’s telling the truth._ Eren was torn. He knew this man, he knew his heart. Levi wasn’t a bad person, he wasn’t evil. He wouldn’t hurt him, not like that, never like that. _But I saw him._

_“You’re a monster! You are an abomination, everything our kind is afraid of!” Fire, scorching flames lick his irritated skin, drawing pain-filled screams out of him._

_“Please…stop!”_

_“You deserve this for what you are! Unnatural! A freak!” Knives imbed in his arms, legs, torso…blood spills out. Gray eyes narrow in disgust, hatred, repulsion._

_“D-Don’t…Levi…”_

_“Die, beast!”_

A violent shudder went through his body. He flinched at the memories. _They’re not real!_ But they had to be. He could still feel it all…everything they had done to him. Had it truly been Levi? His comrades? He couldn’t remember the day he was taken. It was all a blur. In fact, he couldn’t remember most of the time he had spent in that dungeon, only the last few weeks and small snippets of pain. But after so much hurt, so much pleading, begging for the end… It felt like eternity.

He looked back at the raven-haired man tentatively. Could he really be lying to him now? Was it all a game to earn his trust again? _It can’t be,_ his voice of reason pointed out, or at least Eren hoped it was Reason he was hearing. Although that in itself was ironic as he shouldn’t have been _hearing_ anything. _He told you, didn’t he?_ His eyes widened slightly as the thought struck him.

“You…love me?” Gray eyes shot up to meet Eren’s in surprise. “Did you really mean that?”

“Yes.”

There it was – raw honesty, no games, no lies, no evil intent. Levi opened his heart for Eren to do with as he pleased. All his feelings were clearly reflected in his eyes, his usual defenses all but destroyed. Eren smiled lightly, feeling the excited fluttering of his heart, his pain slipping out of prime focus slowly. For how long had he dreamed of this? How long had he desired to hear those words from Levi? To see that gentleness in his stoic eyes? To be the only one to melt the ice he had wrapped himself in? He had longed for his feelings to be returned, to feel loved by this man who had stolen his heart.

“I-” He stopped himself, unsure and afraid despite the warmth that filled his chest. He took a deep breath, willing himself to calm down. Was there anything else that mattered anymore? With a smile, he realized – no. There was nothing else in the world that mattered to Eren as much as Levi in that moment. Because Eren was in love with him wholeheartedly and now the ache in his chest was gone. He was alive again. And all because of three little words and shining gray eyes.

“I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y'all liked this piece. This is, actually, the only story I finished...ever. So, needless to say, I'm quite proud of it! :)  
> Ja ne! :)


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